You should sit down before reading this.
Despite what seemed like a heartening tide against services like Disqus, they're enjoying a baffling resurgence. I asked myself, why would people voluntarily make their sites slower, more convoluted for security conscious people to use, as well as less accessible, searchable, cohesive, secure and predictable? I did a bit of digging, and discovered something shocking.
Crab people. They taste like crab, talk like people, and they live underground.
Crab people are installing third party comment systems on as many blogs as they can by convincing people they're shiny and awesome. Once installed on a critical mass, they'll be able to control the blogs remotely using an undisclosed back door in the proprietary code and take back the world the Humans so cruelly stole from them.
Crab people! Crab people! Taste like crab! Comment like people!