An underage cat having trouble eating roast beef.
An underage cat having trouble eating roast beef. Photo by Daniel Mayer

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. In light of the fact I have been going through the source code of a 10,000+ line C application on and off for the last four hours, I decided to take a much needed break and proceeded to appeal to my loyal Twitter followers for a topic I could briefly discuss. Neil O'Carroll responded to my call with the following tweet:

Want to do a cat song for 121, but wifey still sleeping upstairs, don’t think she’d appreciate guitar/harmonica sounds from below.

That's clearly the wrong tweet. Neil O'Carroll responded to my call with the following tweet:

@rubenerd Topic suggestion: Blog about roast beef sandwiches for underage cats.

First of all, I would like to send Neil O'Carroll a sincere mail bomb… I'm so sorry, a sincere thank you, for giving me the opportunity to discuss this incredibly important topic that I'm sure concerns a great deal of us.

Let me be blunt. Please. I ran over my pencil sharpener with my motor scooter. We are living in uncertain times economically, militarily and economically, all three of which are contributing to a severe downturn in the abilities of pet owners and feline fanciers to indulge their cat's desires for cooked meats. The situation has become so critical that beef consumers in particular have become the latest victim acute shortages; and none have been so negatively affected as those who prefer to roast their beef for their cats, felines and other feline related cats. Economically, militarily and economically.

One positive side effect of this whole debacle however has been the that the issue of underage cats has once again been given the opportunity to be scritinised. Unfortunately our discourse in the past has been limited to roasted meats being fed to adult and adolescent cats, leaving out completely the issue of feeding beef of the roasted meat variety to underage cats which lack the necessary dental and digestive capability to chew and eat such meat with such parts of their bodies respectively.

ASIDE: My computer is telling me that I’ve misspelled "scrutinised". It claims it should be spelled "scrutinized". I would be willing to to spell it with a z, but that’s not how you spell "scrutinised". You can see the dillema I’m facing. Great, now its saying I’ve misspelled dilemma.

Asahina Mikuru with a very cute… damn it, you were supposed to be holding a moose!
Asahina Mikuru with a very cute… damn it, you were supposed to be holding a moose!

I put it to you ladies and genteman that the time has come to genetically engineer cats that are able to eat roasted meats of a beefy nature much earlier in the life cycles. If we refuse to acknowledge this dire need soon, I fear we may be letting down entire future generations of cats. No other source of food is as high in vitamin C, iron, folate, mercury, arsenic, vitamin a+, vitamin w- as roasted chicken, and I'm sure a similar statement can be made for other roasted meats, in particular the one which I've already forgotten I started talking about but which I hope dear reader you have not.

You see, at this point as a reader of this post you have a distinct advantage over I, the writer, for nine distinct reasons, eight of which are meaningless and stupid. The remaining advantage is this: as a reader you have the ability to either read this post in its entirety, or merely skim it and claim at a later date that you have read it when the topic of Ruben Schade and his very informative fridge magnets and blog come up at housewarming parties which may or may not be unfounded given that you may have been living at your current address for a number of years. As a writer I do not have this luxury, I must sit through the entirety of the pointless rambling nonsense because I am the one creating it. I cannot skim through creating something: George W. Bush tried to do that with a new, un regulated subprime mortgage buying-and-selling banking business and suffice to say it didn't work.

So to all of those reading this post I ask you this question: why has your refrigerator but two doors when clearly the amount of material you have forced into it warrants the need for several more? I also ask you to consider the plight of underage cats and their inability to eat roast beef, or indeed any other roasted meat while we're on the subject. Because after all, isn't there a little underage cat in all of us?