NOTE: I frantically typed up this post only a few hours after the dreadful event, so please give due consideration.
so as you can imagine it's not exactly one of my more well thought out or weblog posts.
FOR DEBRA ANNE SCHADE. MY MUMMY.
I’m spewing whatever comes to mind first, sorry if this doesn’t make much sense. I'm als typing this not writing because computers have been my life and they're my comfort zone.
This evening my beautiful mummy, a person who never hurt anyone and who was the centre of my life died. My dad walked in this evening to find her lying in bed cold and not moving. Because the chemo makes her so weak she spend most of her life lying in bed so when I saw her last lying there last I thought I should let her sleep. I missed my last chance to say goodbye.
She has chemotherapy for over 12 years in 3 different countries and she always said that all she wanted was just to be normal even if just for a week. She was a brilliant artist, painter and she couldn’t do any of it. She was either in pain or asleep. i was 8 when she got sick so I have almost no memories of her at all when she was well. None.
Where do I go from here I don’t know. I’m an atheist, I don't believe in God or Heaven and I know I’ll never see her again. What I can say though is that no matter what happens shes out of pain now and I really hope that there is a chance she can see me now. I’m only 21, she’ll never see my graduate from university, marry (yeah as if anyone would want a dork like me) and she’ll never get any of the things I promised her.
I feel awful, all I can think about is what I’m going to miss out on, I can’t think about her. I am such a self absorbed arsehole, why am I worried about me? My beautiful mum is dead and the only thing I can do is look to the future and all I’ll miss. I’m a terrible terrible person.
I can’t think what else to say. All I can think of is that she was the most warm, beautiful, funny, artistic, caring, compassionate, determined, and nice person and I feel so privelidged to have had her as a mum. She was too good for me. I’m sorry it’s very cliche but thats exactly how I feel.
I tried to go to every hospital appointment she had in oncology in Brisbane, Singapore and Kuala Lumpur and some of the best memories I have are playing Yiftico with her. She beats me every time of course.
Now all I can think about are questions, I can’t live in this house anymore where are we going to go, how will I live without her because I’m such a fucking mummys boy, who will I confide in, why am I so self absorbed and all I can think about is what is going to happen to me, my sister.
My grandparents outlived my mum. There’s something wrong with that, its a terrible thing to say but I cant reconcile this. She was only 52, there are people living beyond 100 all the time, but because of our fallibility (yeah great intelligent design) she was chosen out of everyone to be infected with this shit. It couldn't even wait till my sister and I were adults. Thats a terrible thing to say, i hate myself.
She was only telling me a few weeks ago that she wanted Spirit in the Sky played at her funeral. I imagined a time in the future when we were all old and grey and she had been cured and she had painted and played music and did all the things she said she’d do when she got better. Going back to Scotland
The chemotherapy she had to live with for all this time was getting worse and the side effects were not bordering extreme, they had surpassed it completely. She could barely lift her arms, her throat no no I’m not going to remember her like that. No more. She’s not in pain anymore.
The last conversation my dad, sister and I had as a family was downstairs where we were discussing moving the christmas tree upstairs to her room so she could celebrate. She always said that she couldn't do anything a mum could do but the one thing she could do was be a supporter and someone I could talk to for anything.
I know she can’t read this, spirits and faerie tales and heaven and so forth, but if there is the smallest chance that somehow she can see me right now I want you to know I love you and I am so thankful for all you have ever done for me. You didn’t have one brain cell left, and you weren’t a bad mummy, a bad mummy is someone who doesn’t care about her children, mistreats them or abuses them. You were always there for me, you did everything I ever wanted you to to, and whether you knew or not, you were the best possible mummy I could have ever had and I love you. I love you so much. And I know you loved me too and did everything you could for me. I just wish I was saying this too you decades from now after we had been together for longer. I love you mummy.
She was even more than a mummy though. I lost my best friend.
I appreciate all the help you guys have given me over the years. The police and doctors have arrived and I can barely see the screen through my tears so I’ll just be submitting now. My mum believed, so for her I will say God Bless You Mummy, I hope you have finally found happiness at least more than you ever had in this life. I love you.