With the Australian federal elections less than a week away, I decided to plot on a handy table the positions of the leading two parties and their leaders that matter to me. This way I can make a more informed decision, and ultimately help others.

By my definition, plan is shorthand for comprehensive plan. This means they’ve made them public, debated them and have a clear direction backed up with these trifling things called "facts". If they do have a good plan but it contradicts something else they stand for, I reduce it to a nah.

Candidate for Prime Minister Julia Gillard Tony Abbott
Political party Labor The Coalition
Position (officially) Centre left Centre right
Position (probably) Centre right Far right
What to do Nothing! Go backwards!
Grown up immigration position Nah Nah
Plan for IT, communications

Nah Nah
Plan for public transport Nah Nah
Plan for higher education Nah Nah
Plan for environment, energy Nah Science-what?
Supports equal marriage rights

Nah Nah
Represent us well globally Nah Nah
No juvenile attack attacks Nah Nah
Returned any of my emails Nah Nah
Has double letters in name Yup Yup
Stepped over Rudd Turnbull
Would make a good laksa Maybe? What’s Asia?

I’ll be voting for the Greens, but I must be frank and admit it’s mostly because the two biggest parties are such a joke now. I watched two of their debates. I’ve been watching the news. If I hear one more mention of so-called "boat people", I’ll scream.

Ideally I’d like Labor to get back in, but with a much reduced mandate to govern. Let them know we’re not happy with their performance, and we only kept them in because they scare us less than someone who’d like to set women’s causes and progress back 50 years.

Then again that’s just me. This whole mandatory internet filter talk made me come this close to voting for Liberal for the first time, no joke! Eh, I’m depressed, I’m off for a coffee. Wait, I’m already at a coffee shop. Time for another one then.