Rubenerd

It’s Friday Fanmail time, that series where I check my inbox for content which is definitely not spam. Today we have someone who’s name generator came up with Machon Baker; too good a name to ignore putting in my next novella:

Machon Baker entered the hyperbolic chamber, easily the worst bends cure ever devised. His body bore the weight of an entire human as he crossed the threshold in both hands. “Why must my blood composition necessitate such grip!?” he clenched, as if held in a trance or other electronic music score. At most, his bread only needed one to two of them; a handy number.

But I digress. Paragraph six—yikes—details:

His hands held a calculator and other digital protrusions.

Damn it, it overflowed. Let’s try quoting this again:

In order to have high SERP ranking and vibrant social media presence, you must overcome technical errors that prohibits search engine to index your website with accurate and fitting keywords for better optimization. A fully furbished website with high quality content based backlinks is necessary along with active updates on social media portals to increase the popularity and brand awareness.

Their English is still better than any second language I speak or write, but if I may offer my own suggestions Machon:

• Run-on sentences detract from your message. They render your email difficult to read, which results in a lower conversion rate for your very legitimate business.

• Appropriate hyphenation is critical. Is it a fully-furbished website, or a fully furbished-website? A furbished-website sounds like a 1990s nostalgia portal, or a memorial to a Swedish parish.

• You communicate more confidence with active voice, and it reduces your word count.

I often fall afoul of these too, but I always apologise to the chicken.